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EP 4 | 5 Things Toxic People Do to Win You Back and How to Stay Strong | Narcissistic Abuse Recovery


PODCAST TRANSCRIPTION


Speaker 1: (00:00)

Hello Queens. Are you technically out of a relationship with a toxic person that could be a spouse, it could be a romantic partner in general, friendship, maybe it's a family member. Are you out of that relationship but not feeling totally disconnected? Maybe they won't let you? Hmm. Here are five ways abusers keep connected and how to mitigate them, drawing you back in. All right, so you were an object to them. Something that they initially desired. So now they believe you belong to them. Okay? It's, you probably know a lot of abusers are possessive over their victims and they don't want anyone else to have you. They don't want you to move on. So even if you're technically away, they'll still try to have you connected to them in some way. They need that for their own power, right? It's not about you. I know no one wants to hear that, but I'm not here to fluff up, as you know, right? It's not about how special you are, it's about them having control, them validating themselves, them getting admiration and love or any type of GooGoo and gaga over them and reassurance. It's all about them. So don't forget that as we head into going over all of the lovely ways they try to keep you and what you can do to mitigate that.


Speaker 1: (01:34)

Hey friends, welcome to the, but Still She Thrives podcast. I'm ChristyJade, adoring wife, adoptive mama, empowerment coach and queen of helping women who have gone through abuse, turn their lives around and start thriving. I know you are sick of feeling not good enough, questioning your decisions, not knowing how to say no, and the stress is still in your body and in your life. You're looking for more joy and just some freaking peace. You wanna feel confident, take your power back and run your life a your way. So if you're ready to go from surviving to thriving, grab that venti mocha and let's dig in. Do you need help leaving or help healing from an abusive situation? I got you. I wanna help you. That is what I am here for. It is my specialty and I am giving $20 off your first call for a limited time. Um, it's empowerment coaching call 60 minutes and then we can go from there and you can sign up over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall. I would love to help you.


Speaker 1: (02:44)

Okay, so let's dive in. Number one, hoovering. It is just what it sounds like it is vacuuming you back up in these ways. So first love bombing. Okay? So that's one of their go-to things. It's, you know, it works on a lot of victims who are empathetic, who are loving and nurturing because when they feel love, they give love, right? If you're one of those people you know and they can suck you in by showering you with love, with presence, with all the good feelings and suck you back in part of hoovering can also be, this is a tougher one, but feigning crisis, basically faking a crisis may be really causing a crisis. And that can go as deep and as dark as suicide attempts or faking. Suicide attempts can be a tactic. Another smear campaign. Smear campaign is when you have gotten away from them and they have no control over you anymore, you've really released.


Speaker 1: (03:47)

And so they are going to try to smear your name to other people. They will lie about you. They will expose things about you you didn't want exposed. And this is all in order to suck up all of your time, energy, and attention. So the trick, which is a hard thing, and for me in the beginning was very hard for me, um, because I'm a good person and uh, let's say with the smear campaign, which actually happened, that turned into me being like, oh goodness, I have to defend my name, right? Like, I have to defend my name. This stuff isn't true. And that does take up time and energy. So I've gotten to a point in general where you have to let it go and trust that the people that love you and know you will not believe the smear campaign. So that's just in reference to that.


Speaker 1: (04:36)

And the other things obviously are a little harder with things such as the faking crisis, um, and love bombing. But we'll get to mitigating at the end of this episode. Number two, telling you, you are soulmates meant to be together. Ah, they just make you feel so special. Isn't That's so sweet. No, it's is what it is. Okay? They will make broken promises, which you've probably already experienced, but somehow they brainwash you into forgetting those broken promises and you somehow still have hope that they will keep their promises, they've come around, they'll change, right? But they will make you feel needed. And here's the kicker guys. When you are someone like us who has probably become co-dependent on an abuser, you want to feel needed by them. And yes, that's not healthy kind of twisted, but let's all be very, very transparent here. , we're very transparent here in this podcast, okay?


Speaker 1: (05:31)

So we wanna feel needed too. A lot of people wanna feel needed, you know, to a point we might have a little unhealthier version of that where with this specific person especially, we wanna feel needed and we wanna feel special and they know how to turn it over and yeah, they'll abuse you, make you feel like crap, but they're gonna switch that over and make you feel real good and real special as well, right? So that's part of the codependency, which we will tap into in another episode. So you're attracted to feeling important and needed and in a healthy relationship. Let's make this very crystal clear. Okay? I'm in one now so I know the difference, okay? You will feel true love and nice treatment during the relationship consistently, okay? Not when the narcissist or abuser needs their fill, not when they need the attention, not when they're just desperate to get you back under their control, okay?


Speaker 1: (06:27)

A healthy relationship does not look like that. A healthy relationship, whether it is a friendship, whether it is like I'm talking about with me and my husband, it feels loving, it feels uplifting. You might have your, nobody's perfect, but you are consistently reassured and feel good about your relationship and feel loved and don't have to walk on eggshells. If you have not listened to episode two, you can refer back to that to see the different signs of a toxic person. If you haven't, check that out. Go check it out after this one. Number three, they will tell you, you can't do this on your own. You need me. They kind of go back to that knowledge of knowing you want to feel needed and loved, right? And they will get into that vulnerable spot and dance around in it. Oh, let me be here for you, right?


Speaker 1: (07:22)

They're going to kind of twist it into this. Maybe let me be helpful, you can lean on me. They may say, oh, I'm just gonna be here for you as a friend. I understand, right? So they can drag you back in by playing with your heartstrings in that way, knowing that you are in a very vulnerable place. They know exactly what to say and do. Okay? These people, I don't know if I wanna call 'em smart, but they're calculated, right? So they know exactly how to get you in. They know those soft spots you have, they've already brainwashed you while you were in the relationship and they are trying to regain that control again. Again, it's not about them truly wanting to be with you, it is always about their need for control. Can we take a minute right there? Because when you realize that it's tough, it's hard.


Speaker 1: (08:11)

No one wants to think that, but it does eventually make it easier to get out of their grip knowing that number four, they will blame you and try convincing you that you caused them, caused them to act a certain way. Okay? I'm sure you're familiar with this. If you have been through abuse, uh, I would say 99.9% , you have been blamed, okay? We're gonna throw it in a hundred percent. And if you could just be less sensitive, right? Does this sound familiar? If you could just be more understanding or patient if, if you just weren't so crazy, your relationship would be fine, you guys would be fine. This is you, right? So they are going to point their finger at you and say, look, if you can get your together, I'll take you back. We can make this work. I want it to work.


Speaker 1: (09:12)

I know we're meant to be, can go back to that, right? By the way, a lot of these reasons are stacked together in their, in their plan to get you back, right? So this is a big part of it. The blaming, you know, the, they blame you during the relationship, but they will still blame you after and spin in in a way to try to still convince you that you're at fault. So if you can just fix you and and work on you, they'll even take you back. Isn't that sweet of 'em? So sweet. So sweet. Okay. Number five, they will check if they can gain control by sending what we call breadcrumbs that they can customize to your liking. Okay? So you're probably familiar with this if you're on the other side, them throwing some little breadcrumbs at you, these include funny inside joke, little memes, gifts.


Speaker 1: (09:59)

Uh, if you're a funny person, they're gonna throw in the funny stuff. You love donuts. Maybe you'll see a nice fresh box of crispy creams on your doorstep with a little hard on it. So sweet, not so sweet. And the donuts are sweet, I'll say that. But the intentions behind the donuts are not sweet. Again, they are selfish and controlling. Do you guys have a little love song? Don't be surprised if that shows up in your text message a little link to your song with maybe a little sad face or a little heart. They are going to get into your vulnerable spots, your emotions, because odds are you're a sweet person, you're an empath, you have a big heart and they know that. So now these things are appearing on your text, tugging at your little empathetic heartstrings, and it's all a knot good motivation that is leading that.


Speaker 1: (10:50)

It is not because they value you, it's because they are trying to control you. Okay? So what do we do with all this? There's, there's no, actually I think there is one, one answer. However, it's not always that cut and dry, as you know when you're dealing with abusers, especially anyone who's violent, it goes deep. So please send in any questions. Again, fierce mama c gmail.com if you have specific questions because this is always gonna be an overarching general, um, you know, tips and answers on how to deal with the abuse of situations. But sometimes we can get into more specifics if you write to me yourself with a question. So there are ways to mitigate these things. I will always scream from the mountaintops, the number one way to avoid getting sucked in is to completely cut them off. You're out of the situation.


Speaker 1: (11:46)

Cut 'em off. I know again, I will go back to if you are somebody who has children together, together, you're co-parenting. Not as easy. Okay? This though is the long run. Easiest way. Listen to episode two again for more information on that. So another very successful mitigation against all of these is what we call the gray rock method. I will go into this method in detail. I think I'll probably have its own little cute episode tied up with a little red bow because it's one of my favorite things that I learned through my own journey. What is it? What's a gray rock method? It is exactly what it sounds for. I love it. Hoovering gray rock. It's not rocket science. You sit there like a rock, you don't respond, you do not take the bait, you don't soak it in. That's probably the hardest part to not let it in.


Speaker 1: (12:37)

But most importantly, first step is ignoring, don't let them get to you. Don't take the bait. This is a harder long term because they do not give up quickly. These are some very stubborn mofos out here and they can beat you down. You can get beaten down, manipulated, mind screwed. And next thing you know, you're just meeting them as friends for coffee. No, don't meet them for coffee if you can't completely cut them off. Ignore whatever you can. If you are in a legal situation, co-parenting, you make it a written statement. They are only to contact you regarding the children. You know, you can get restraining orders with specifics. I believe I will have experts on here to discuss this stuff further, but there need to be boundaries in place. Okay? Again, my suggestion is run. Do not walk to the nearest emotional exit and regain your peace if you do not have that option.


Speaker 1: (13:36)

I mean legally or whatever. If there is truly no other option than cutting off, cuz that's my number one. Then the gray rock method is what you do. You ignore anything that, let's say again isn't relative to, you know, swapping the kids on the weekend or whatever you have to do. If this is just somebody you're having a hard time disconnecting to really sit with this episode, maybe listen to it a couple of times, journal out what is hard and what you can do during that time. Let's say you're having trouble because they are smear campaigning you. How can you get support, right? Tell someone close to you. Ignore their smear. Block them. If they have people on, let's say your social media and they're contacting you, I know this stuff actually happens. I have clients who are bombarded by family members who have been lied to block them.


Speaker 1: (14:27)

You've got to not let all the crazy in, you have to put a block on it and protect yourself. You know your truth. The people who are important in your life, who love you and know you are going to believe you. And I get that can be hard. But I will say from my own experience, all the people, even people who were lied to, even just convinced that, uh, I was the, the one in the wrong, I was breaking up the family, which makes zero sense. Even those people came around essentially. So have faith and trust. That's another thing. I'm a God person. If you're a God person, pray and have faith and ask God for guidance. Um, if not, if you're like, you held the moon at night, cool. I love a good wolf. Full moon. There was just one the other night. Beautiful.


Speaker 1: (15:14)

You can, you can talk to your moon, your moon shadow, all your spirit guides and say, I need some help. Or you can just talk to a human, you're bestie, a therapist, a life coach like myself. Find support. This is a very, very hard road, but you're on it. If you're listening to this podcast, you're doing something about it. And that's a first step. And I'm very proud of you. And don't forget that you deserve love. You deserve a happy life. And not just skating by not just getting by, not surviving, but you deserve to thrive. I will leave you with that. I love you. I see you. And don't forget your Smooches and Dueces girl. If you are over the lack of peace, the lack of setting boundaries, not feeling confident, questioning yourself, it is time to get some coaching. This is what I do, this is my specialty. It's what I love. And I can help you more quickly than you think. If you wanna grab a call with me, I am offering $20 off of the first call and there are only 10 spots a week and they fill up quickly. So definitely act now if you're interested and you can find me over at bit.ly/firstcoachingcall to set that up. I look forward to helping you go from surviving the thriving cuz you deserve to be the queen you have always been. Let's chat.


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